Signs

You didn’t think I was talking about signs, as in street ones, did you? Come on!

These signs that the Universe sends you could come via dreams, conversations, songs or epiphanies, and they are all different ways that it is trying to communicate with you. All you have to do is piece them together.

I have had these signs for as long as I can remember… at least 11 or 12 years now. I did’t even know that they were signs, I just knew something was going on that wasn’t the norm. 1111 and 111 were the most common. Every single time I looked at the clock I would see these numbers. Often times I still wake up at these times. Occasionally I see 222 or 333 and 555.

I learned that these were angel numbers. Who knew such a thing existed! And it’s not like you can go around asking people if they see angel numbers. Right!?

The more I tried to ignore the signs and especially the dreams…oh my God, the dreams! I had full on conversations with people in them! It was as though I was living another life in my dream state, learning all about people on a soul level. I thought I was going mad.

I mean, I was dreaming after all and had not an ounce of proof that the people I was talking to, were having the dreams too. It’s not like you can go up to people in the waking world and say, “Hey, remember last night when we talked about…” That would be right up there with talking about angel numbers, wouldn’t it?  Let’s face it, it’s not a conversation most people have.

But if you are having any of these things happen to you, than you are not the norm. You’re special! At least that’s how I choose to think about it. It makes me feel…well, more sane.

These signs can be overwhelming. At the height of mine, I felt like I had no choice but to try and talk about what was happening to me, but my trying to open up about it was met with crickets. Talk about all of your abandonment issues coming up to the surface! When you are faced with pain you can either ignore it or go within. Most people ignore it because it’s easier.

But if you’re seeing signs, then you already know ignoring it isn’t an option. It’s like you’re pushed off a cliff and forced to face all of your childhood wounds and then go about healing them. And when this happens to you, you are on your own, because anybody who hasn’t experienced the signs, will think you’re speaking another language and look at you like maybe it’s time you took some medication.

But you don’t need any meds. You just need information. What the hell is going on? I started typing in the numbers. One thing lead to another, almost as if I was being lead to information and surprisingly there was a ton of it out there. After awhile (yes I still have dreams and still see signs all the time),  you learn the real value of discernment and have a deep knowing of who is full of crap and who is not.

The signs are ever present in our world. If you are experiencing any of these things, take this post as a sign that you are not nuts. You ARE seeing things, hearing things and dreaming things for a reason. What you choose to do with these signs is up to you.

But you must know this…these signs are not something you have control over. You can’t quit them. Believe me, I’ve tried. At this juncture I have simply surrendered to them because it’s easier. I keep doing my thing, living my life and loving myself, and trust that I am being guided on a path that is for my highest good.

My advice to you is this: trust the process, know that you’re not crazy and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. The most wonderful thing to come of this is that you master your emotions, don’t look outside of yourself for fulfillment and blindly trust that in doing so, amazing things will happen to you and do.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I want to talk about sex, or more aptly, when people talk about sex with their partner and you don’t want to hear it.

I mean come on, who wants to picture people they know doing that?

The other day a man was over at my house trying to help my husband with an applicance and he said something about how he wasn’t getting any lately and I wanted to slap him.

I was absolutely disgusted that first of all he thought it was appropriate to make a remark like that in front of me, but mostly, I found it so disrespectful to his wife, who by the way, has moved into the basement. Go figure!

I’d move there too if I was married to someone who disregarded me like that. The audacity and cheek! I mean if he talks like this in front of me, what does he say behind her back?

Well, all I can tell you is that apparently he butt dialed her a few days ago and he was saying how much she angered him and made him sick, to one of his drinking buddies. Was he sorry? Only that he got caught!

I find it comical that men think because you marry them, that they have a right to your body. That it is part of your duty to have sex with them, like it was in some contract and is part of the agreement.

And if there is such a notion of an unspoken agreement, what are they doing to earn it? Seriously! Just because they work and bring home a paycheck? What of all the women who do everything around the house and don’t get paid anything for it?

Why is it the jobs women do are minimized, while a man’s are not? Why are men still holding this ancient belief? And what about the women who are keeping this practice alive by having sex with their husbands when they don’t want to?

I remember one woman telling that it was just another job, like taking care of the kids. A job? Why is this a job so many of us are doing, if it makes us feel like crap? Why do we continue to give our most precious resource and the only thing that is truly ours away, to someone else, if we don’t want to?

Fear.

I remember one of my good friends telling me that if you don’t sleep with your husband than someone else will. I think there are so many people who are having sex out of obligation instead of love.

Afraid that someone might leave you because you don’t have sex with them, when you don’t want to? What age are we living in? We weren’t purchased at a market or part of a dowry, so why do we continue with this archaic practice?

It’s all mental! And continuing to do this, is well, mental.

When a woman feels like she is loved mentally, then having sex is something she wants to do. That is exactly what I told the louse of a husband who was at my house. He didn’t like that very much and I didn’t care. Somebody needed to get her back, since he was doing nothing but stabbing her in hers.

Have sex or don’t, but make sure you are honoring yourself and that the person you are having it with, is honoring you as well.

Own Your Inner Savage

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How ferocious and fearless can you be? And what will it take to bring it out?

Disappointment is a great place to start. Usually this comes from an outside source, but only because we have given our power away.  

But we can’t stay there, lying in the muck, blaming others. We have to be savages. We have to take all that stuff going on in our outer world, cut through the crap that isn’t ours, and figure out what is and then go about healing it.

I am always so grateful when I look back from where I am standing and see the evolution of myself. I cannot believe some of the behaviors I settled for or things I believed to be true about myself.

I have viewed people in my life from all angles now and have seen them for who they really are. I have taken a step back to see if they fit into my life anymore or are they continuing to try and bring me down?

Often times people in our inner circle are those who can hurt us most. And while we can’t always cut everyone out, no matter what other people say, we can put up some major boundaries to protect ourselves from pain. 

Discernment is the name of the game! Once you learn how to discern, your inner savage will be the guard at the gate that everyone will have to impress, before they get to the real you. 

Learn to discern! 

Need A Little Extra $

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Have you ever wanted to work on a movie or television show?

Most people do not know this, but it’s pretty simple. If you happen to live near a big city or are close enough where you can travel, check out Backstage for listings of productions that are near you. Central Casting is also a resource for extras casting, so be sure to check out their website as well.

You do not need to have any prior experience or a professional photo to get started. Just use your phone or have a friend take one for you. Create a profile and add your photo and then start submitting yourself for projects.

The days are long as an extra, but being on set is really fun and you get to see the actors in action. You will be fed and paid for your time. You might even get to wear a costume!

In an day and age where anything goes, you never know where it will lead you.

Hair Color Hack

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If you have some gray in your hair right now, use a mascara or eyebrow powder that matches your hair color to conceal it. Granted it washes out, but if you are in a pinch…it works wonders. You can always purchase professional brands on line that will do the same, but if you are in a hurry and don’t have time to wait for a delivery, or short on funds, this is a quick fix that works.

Vows

grim

Vow: solemnly promise to do a specified thing.

Such a funny thing, vows. So archaic in nature. They were always vowing something on Game of Thrones and look how that ended for most!

Wedding vows-boy oh boy. Let’s talk about those.

I think when you read through these, it will explain the estimated 60% demise of all marriages. They simply aren’t realistic and were clearly written on stone tablets like something out of the Flintstones.

I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, *So formal! Wedded sounds like bedded to me! Do you really have to get married for that to happen? Maybe back in the day, but certainly not now.

to have and to hold, from this day forward, *Sounds so constricting, like shackles or a straight jacket. Why not pull out the handcuffs while you’re at it, cause now that I’ve got you, you’re not going anywhere!

for better, for worse, *Really? Who the hell wants the worse? I mean, come on! For the better, okay. If the worse is coming for me, then I don’t want see it, so let’s just keep dating.

for richer, for poorer, *This one! Am I right? What if you marry some man/boy who doesn’t want to get a real job? What if they sit around all day and do nothing while you do it all? They may have been working when you met them, but now they can’t keep a job! Next!

in sickness and in health, *What kind of sickness are we talking here? Cause if it involves perpetual puking or diapers, I’m out.

to love and to cherish, *What’s with the cherish thing? I don’t want you kissing my feet and I am certainly not going to kiss yours!

till death do us part,  *Oh…this one! Co-existing with someone because they refuse to let you go or more aptly, their money? Sounds like a death sentence already.  I picture that grim reaper guy with the scythe. But we all know that the grim reaper in this case is an attorney with a fancy pen who is probably going to make you wish that you were dead, when it’s all over.

according to God’s holy ordinance;  *I’m sorry! Was there a meeting about the ordinance? Usually they post those things ahead of time, you know, like at the post office or something. How does anyone know what God wants anyway? It is all according to how you were raised and what you believe about him to be true. So on that note, I say God wants people to be happy. Period!

thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you. *I pledged allegiance to the flag in grade school, I do it at sports events, and I even pledge my house. It’s enough already!

These vows we take at the alter really do a number on us and I think they should be re-written! How about these:

Hey, wanna get married? *Sure!

I think we should talk about money. *Me too!

What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. Keep your account you had before we met and I will do the same. We can open another one together once we move forward. *That seems very fair. I like it! Let’s talk about space. I need mine!

Oh, I got it! We will have two residences. You know, so when we have had enough of one another, we can go there until we miss the other again. *Ooh! Now you’re talking!

What about family? *What about them?

Do you like mine? *About as much as you like mine.

You are so funny! *I try, but in all seriousness, we’ll only visit with people who are fun to be around and don’t judge us. Everybody else can piss off. 

I love that about you! *Thanks! I really mean it. I’ve got your back and if I ever don’t, you have my blessing to leave.

I’m glad you brought that up. I was thinking we should have an exit plan. You know, just in case. *Hmm…I like it. Tell me more.

If after five years we look at each other and say, “What the hell was I thinking? Or… get unraveled by the way the other chews, breathes, brushes their teeth, walks, talks, looks at us, and well, pretty much does anything that starts to work a nerve, then we go our separate ways. *Love it! Let’s get hitched!

Travel

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Travel is the movement of people between distant geographical locations. Travel can be done by foot, bicycle, automobile, train, boat, bus, airplane, ship or other means, with or without luggage, and can be one way or round trip.

Last year I took an acting class that was truly amazing! I rarely say that about classes, but this one went above and beyond. I stepped so far out of my comfort zone I felt like I wasn’t myself. But I was. The me that resides deep down inside, just waiting to be invited to emerge.

The teacher played songs and we had to move to the music in front of everyone, while they had to imitate our movements the best that they could as we did so. I got this song to move to: Leaving on a Jet Plane

I was so incredibly hesitant to do the exercise, as I am sure everyone was, but the minute he played the song for me, I simply resigned to the music. It was transformational. When I looked into fellow actors eyes and saw them connecting with me through the music and the dance, we all traveled to wherever we were personally in our minds. Their smiles, their tears, their joy, their pain, however they interpreted the piece to them. I saw it all that day.

But I felt joyous. As I danced around the room I put my arms out to my side like I was a jet plane and went around in the circle so fast, I thought I might lift off. I traveled to so many places in that moment, I think I spanned the world.

Traveling doesn’t always entail leaving the country or going from state to state. All we need to do is put on some music, even this song and let ourselves fly.

We need to only close our eyes to travel distances within our imagination. To allow ourselves a moment to reminisce, to dream, to flow. Our minds can take us anywhere.

Traveling without luggage…I’m circling the living room as I write this.

How willing are you to travel the distance? Even if it’s only in your mind?

Toxic Love

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an intense feeling of deep affection. a great interest and pleasure in something.

Love is an emotion that can be expressed so differently, depending on the way a person was raised, how they were taught to believe what love was and what it wasn’t, and how it was shown to them when they were a child.

Apparently we all have a love language. There are five, according to Gary Chapman. But this post isn’t about love languages, it’s about love. The toxic kind. 

Some people say they love you, like my father does, but it feels nothing even remotely close to love. In fact, it’s like sitting down for a meal with every food you can imagine, only to leave the table hungry.

He calls once a quarter, which leads me to believe I’m some reminder on his google calendar. If he gets my voicemail he will leave a message like we just spoke yesterday and he’s in the know, even though he doesn’t know a thing about what I am up to.

I always try and return his call but always get his voicemail, even if he just called 5 minutes before. At least I think it’s his voicemail, but it’s not his voice, so its a bit awkward leaving a message. Who doesn’t have their voice on their voice mail? It’s ridiculous!

Sometimes he texts. Usually some rendition of what he deems a heart felt message showing concern. I’ll text back and then that’s it. Apparently the quarter check in only allots for one text as well, so going back and forth and having a conversation, even via text, is out of the question.

My father’s love, while genuine by his standards, has always left me feeling empty. I remember sobbing to him one time and saying, “Why can’t you love me?” He looked at me as though I had three heads and said, “I do love you. I adore you. You’re one of my favorite people in the world.” He did try to show me his love, even bought me an expensive necklace one time that said, “Special” but that wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted was for him to play tennis with me and not ask me to “keep the peace” when I was sad or angry at something mean his new wife had said to me.

My mother divorced him over his particular love language, which by the way, none of us speak. There are roughly 6,500 languages spoken in the world, but I couldn’t find one called Wanting. 

In addition to the non available type of love as in the case of my father, here are a few more ways in which we misinterpret dysfunctional love for the real thing, if we haven’t worked on ourselves to heal.

There’s the type of love where someone gives for the sake of receiving. A game of tit for tat if you will. They don’t give you love for the joy of it, they give you love with a condition attached to it. And you better be ready to reciprocate or they will pout. You’ll always be exhausted in this relationship because your job is to make them happy because they are incapable of doing so themselves.

The most toxic love is the controlling kind. At first it might seem as though they are really into you. Love bomb you with gifts and attention, then they’ll throw you off guard by suddenly ignoring you which makes you wonder what you did wrong. They might accuse you of flirting with someone or cheating on them, when they are the ones doing it.  They may even put you down, correct you or tell you they have no idea what you’re talking about, even though they do. They also like to tell half truths as it’s their only form of communication. When all is said and done, they care far more about what the outside world thinks of them than you.  If you recognize any of this, you’re being gas lighted which creates co-dependence.

And then there’s the people who withhold love. They run in the opposite direction the minute they feel anything at all. Obviously someone hurt them and they refuse to be hurt again, but they fail to realize they are only hurting themselves by doing this. It matters not to them how you feel, only that they don’t want to feel at all, but you have no way of knowing this until they are dust in the wind.

Perhaps in your life you have attracted one of those types or a combination of all of them. Before you get too upset with yourself and feel like there’s no hope, you need to understand why so that you can meet someone who is worthy of your love, instead of someone who disregards it.

Remember…wherever you are energetically, meaning how you feel about yourself, is where another meets you. If you feel unworthy, you will meet someone who feels worse and they will treat you like shit.

You may be in a situation where it seems impossible to change anything, and that may be true, but you can always change the way you respond to another person.

There are tons of resources on YouTube that are free. If you feel that you are being beaten down by someone, look up videos on Narcissists. See the link at the bottom of this post for a site I found really helpful. 

You have to start somewhere in order to heal yourself, and often times just watching a video and realizing what is being done to you, is a step towards healing. 

Trust me when I tell you, learning the truth isn’t always easy, but it is far better than living in denial and pain. When you start to realize why and how you have attracted mean men and women into your life, you will understand how to stop it. 

 You are your greatest love. You do not need the validation of anyone else. So in case no one has told you, here goes: you are lovable, you are worthy, you are divine! You really are all that and a bag of chips…even the kettle cooked kind!

Now go shine those glass slippers Cinderella and get your horse ready, it’s time for you to ride into your bright new future. There really is such a thing as fairy tales! But only when you love yourself enough to know you are worthy of one.

 

Mirror Mirror

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I’m a sucker for Disney movies! I watched Snow White this week and as the evil step mother looks into the mirror and asks, “Who is the fairest of them all?” I had a revelation.

I used to hear the word “mirroring” all the time when I first awakened to the things that were happening in my life that I couldn’t understand.

I would hear spiritual teachers say, “You don’t like that person because they are mirroring something back to you.” What did that even mean? The more I thought about it, the more confused I got.

I mean, there were some women in my life with a resting bitch face that could be sold on Halloween. And the men? Equally as ugly. They disregarded me, treated me as though I were beneath them or tried to control me. Was I them? As hard as I tried to see it, I just didn’t, because I knew I was nice, so I couldn’t grasp how I attracted so many meanies into my life.

Well, it took me a very long time to get this one, so I am going to share it with you just in case you are wondering what the people (we’ll call them mirrors) you are looking into are really reflecting back to you.

They are mirroring YOUR unhealed wounds. Things that happened to you in your childhood. You see, at some point in your childhood, someone either made you feel less than, disregarded, abandoned, unsafe, bullied, controlled, disempowered, unloved, and plain old not good enough.

And because no one cared what your feelings were, you were just a child after all and what kind of a voice were you allowed to have…you learned to stuff it all inside. And now, years later, you’re wondering why you keep attracting the same boss, the same men, the same women. Blah blah ad nauseam.

This little kid, now a grown ass adult, has been trying to get your attention for a long time. But you keep shoving it down, ignoring its pleas and outright dismissing any wrong doing to it, much like the adults in your life did to you.

But now the little kid has had it, so all of that pain is surfacing, begging to be healed once for all, by way of the asshole standing in front of you, making you feel horrible.This is mirroring.

You are not, nor have you ever been this horrible person who is making you feel bad. This person who is currently in your life, who puts you down, embarrasses you, makes nasty comments, tries to control you, takes advantage of you, lies to you or maybe even dismisses you altogether, is just imitating behaviors from an adult in your past.

Your response in your body is a telltale sign that you are being triggered (annoyed) by them and is an opportunity for you to finally listen to that little kid who was shut down. The way you feel when you are around this person, their tone of voice or something they say, the way they look at you or even roll their eyes when you talk, are all clues that this mirroring is happening to you.

Your unhealed traumas from childhood show up in random people as a gift. I know that sounds ridiculous, but once you see these people for who they are, you will no longer be controlled by them. You can look at each of them as a door that is opening, until finally that little kid is set free. Who were when you came into this world, before the adults in your life gave THEIR shit to you?

I’ll tell you…amazing, limitless, lovable, strong, talented, brilliant, beautiful and innocent.  Take that back! You have the key, but as long as you keep holding onto the stories that were given to you, instead of making your own, you will attract the same people who disempower you, until you do.

Stop looking for mirrors, unless you’re doing your makeup or hair. Look within! That is where all of your answers are and your freedom too.

Kintsugi

pottery

Is a Japanese art form in which breaks and repairs are treated as part of the object’s history. Broken ceramics are carefully mended by artisans with a lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. The repairs are visible — yet somehow beautiful.

We are all Kintsugi, aren’t we? Beautiful, broken human beings from heartache, pain, suffering and life in general. Through all of the trials and tribulations we have managed to pull ourselves together and rise above the constant barrage of garbage that was thrown our way.

We are walking stories; histories filled with suffering, rejections and abandonments. Our wounds are our gold, much like the cracks that are fixed in the Japanese art form. So why do we not bring attention to them instead of hiding them away?

As we ascend and look further into ourselves, instead of into others for answers, we are forced to ask, “Who am I without all of the masks I wear, trying to impress others? Why am I afraid to share who I really am? Why do I pretend to be something I am not? And Why do I accept less than what I know I deserve?

Why do we struggle so much with these questions, when it really doesn’t have to be so complicated. Why don’t we embrace the parts of us that we perceive as broken, because in actuality they aren’t really broken at all. They are simply kintsugi.

Our history should be embraced whole heartedly, because it has made us who we are, which is nothing more than perfect.

May you look at your flaws as a piece of art, instead of hiding them away, and let those who are willing to see you for who you truly are, into your heart.