Vows

grim

Vow: solemnly promise to do a specified thing.

Such a funny thing, vows. So archaic in nature. They were always vowing something on Game of Thrones and look how that ended for most!

Wedding vows-boy oh boy. Let’s talk about those.

I think when you read through these, it will explain the estimated 60% demise of all marriages. They simply aren’t realistic and were clearly written on stone tablets like something out of the Flintstones.

I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, *So formal! Wedded sounds like bedded to me! Do you really have to get married for that to happen? Maybe back in the day, but certainly not now.

to have and to hold, from this day forward, *Sounds so constricting, like shackles or a straight jacket. Why not pull out the handcuffs while you’re at it, cause now that I’ve got you, you’re not going anywhere!

for better, for worse, *Really? Who the hell wants the worse? I mean, come on! For the better, okay. If the worse is coming for me, then I don’t want see it, so let’s just keep dating.

for richer, for poorer, *This one! Am I right? What if you marry some man/boy who doesn’t want to get a real job? What if they sit around all day and do nothing while you do it all? They may have been working when you met them, but now they can’t keep a job! Next!

in sickness and in health, *What kind of sickness are we talking here? Cause if it involves perpetual puking or diapers, I’m out.

to love and to cherish, *What’s with the cherish thing? I don’t want you kissing my feet and I am certainly not going to kiss yours!

till death do us part,  *Oh…this one! Co-existing with someone because they refuse to let you go or more aptly, their money? Sounds like a death sentence already.  I picture that grim reaper guy with the scythe. But we all know that the grim reaper in this case is an attorney with a fancy pen who is probably going to make you wish that you were dead, when it’s all over.

according to God’s holy ordinance;  *I’m sorry! Was there a meeting about the ordinance? Usually they post those things ahead of time, you know, like at the post office or something. How does anyone know what God wants anyway? It is all according to how you were raised and what you believe about him to be true. So on that note, I say God wants people to be happy. Period!

thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you. *I pledged allegiance to the flag in grade school, I do it at sports events, and I even pledge my house. It’s enough already!

These vows we take at the alter really do a number on us and I think they should be re-written! How about these:

Hey, wanna get married? *Sure!

I think we should talk about money. *Me too!

What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. Keep your account you had before we met and I will do the same. We can open another one together once we move forward. *That seems very fair. I like it! Let’s talk about space. I need mine!

Oh, I got it! We will have two residences. You know, so when we have had enough of one another, we can go there until we miss the other again. *Ooh! Now you’re talking!

What about family? *What about them?

Do you like mine? *About as much as you like mine.

You are so funny! *I try, but in all seriousness, we’ll only visit with people who are fun to be around and don’t judge us. Everybody else can piss off. 

I love that about you! *Thanks! I really mean it. I’ve got your back and if I ever don’t, you have my blessing to leave.

I’m glad you brought that up. I was thinking we should have an exit plan. You know, just in case. *Hmm…I like it. Tell me more.

If after five years we look at each other and say, “What the hell was I thinking? Or… get unraveled by the way the other chews, breathes, brushes their teeth, walks, talks, looks at us, and well, pretty much does anything that starts to work a nerve, then we go our separate ways. *Love it! Let’s get hitched!

Published by helen jeanette

I am a former restaurant owner who loves to create. I write, I act and I recently made art via oracle cards and a tarot deck. While I am not a card reader by profession, I do like to use them for insight and daily inspiration. I write for the same reason!

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